The psychological toll of ICE on Latinos
Reflections on the fear and loathing echoing through our community and through my mind
This all reminds me of covid.
That’s what I keep telling myself as I’m watching people disappear from society and hide from the growing threat outside. People are going missing now.
The psychological toll of what is happening right now is heavy to say the least. It’s something that is not talked about and something that is difficult to verbalize because not everyone is experiencing it the same way.
But it’s there, heavy like dense and suffocating smoke.
People are calling this hyper-normalization, which is supposed to explain the feeling of knowing that society is falling apart but watching everything operate as if it wasn’t. That’s what this feels like.
As numerous people have pointed out, what does it mean for a society that a secret police force can kidnap people off of the street in broad daylight and there are zero consequences for them? What does it mean that only certain people have rights and that government is actively pursuing an ethnic cleansing?
I’ll tell you; it means society is crumbling.
This is another parallel to covid; we were told to not trust our eyes and ears and to trust the government and the TV and only the government and the TV. And then we were told not to trust anything. This caused mass panic and distrust.
This time around, we watching Nazi Germany 2.0 unfold in the streets and yet the Machine hasn’t faltered and people are still going about their daily lives as if none of it was happening. For many, this is as much a survival tactic as it is a coping mechanism.
I spit my coffee out watching CA Governor, Gavin Newsom, who talks tough to tell people their best bet is to hide.
“Terrible things are happening outside… poor helpless people are being dragged out of their homes. Families are torn apart; men, women and children are separated. Children come home from school to find that their parents have disappeared.”
When quotes from the Diary of Anne Frank apply, literally ,to our daily lives, well, I don’t know what else to say but that things have rapidly gone from bad to worse to all out fucked and it’s starting to take a toll on my mental health.
The thing is, I know I’m not alone, but when paying attention to the Machine, or talking to people not directly affected, it sure feels like I am.
It also feels ridiculous.
Full disclosure: Initially, I’d planned to be writing to you right now from the road in a series of lighthearted dispatches from the road. I’d planned a family road trip for months and was looking forward to it, as I much prefer that mode of travel to the airlines.
And then, the ameriKKKan gestapo happened.
Day by day, to my horror, everything started to unravel and I found myself questioning if traveling cross country as a Brown man in ameriKKKa 2025 was a good idea.
Spoiler: it’s not.
Ultimately, regretfully, I decided that as a Chicano in Trump’s ameriKKKan hellscape, it’s not safe to be traveling across the U.S. in a rental car right now and if I’m being honest, canceling my plans was a relief that I didn’t know I needed until I did it.
What’s fucking me up is feeling like I made a mistake or that I caved and or having to explain my reasoning to people who aren’t in my skin, pun intended.
Part of me feels ridiculous and part of me feels relieved — that’s the dichotomy of trying to explain yourself as a stranger in a strange land.
I’m a grown goddamned man who’s been around the block. I know my rights. I’m no stranger to police harassment either but I’ve never been afraid to travel until now.
I spoke to a friend who remarked that things are definitely not the same as they have been in the past. We can see that in real time on social media. She also said that she has been anxious but trying not let the fear consume her and that really resonated with me.
Instead of looking forward to my trip I started dreading it. Instead of looking forward to a fun family vacation I wondered what would happen if we got stopped. The fear was consuming me.
Would they believe that I’m a citizen in B.F.E. middle ameriKKKa? Could I remain calm if they didn’t? Should I bring my birth certificate? Would they question my kids or worse? Should I bring a gun?
What if I assert my constitutional rights and they smash my windows and try to take me or my kids? Would anyone know I was missing?
On and on these scenarios played through my head night after night and when I found myself saving various civil rights attorneys into my phone (Hello, Ben Crump!) and also telling family and friends to keep me in mind in case I go dark, I knew things had jumped the shark.
As the days bled on I started looking up to see if there were ICE raids along our route. Sure enough, nearly every city had reports, some worse than others. Several states have agreed to cooperate with ICE and allow their cops to do the dirty work. They’re calling these “documentation stops” on the highways. All of this is happening where I live and from coast to coast. It’s like a hate virus.
Add to this the threat of nuclear war, an insanely hot summer and the fucking fourth of July looming in the distance — what’s that all going to look like? I did not want to find out. Like Neil McCauley from HEAT, I am a risk Vs reward guy and this, in my opinion, was not worth the risk.
Watching people who look like me get tackled and beaten to a bloody pulp by secret police and then sent to facilities worse than prisons while our governments do nothing about it is doing something to me psychologically — to all of us.
For the record, I hate feeling like this and I hate that I have to try and rationalize this.
I hate that I feel like I have to explain this to anyone.
I hate that there are people who will think I’m being paranoid because of their privilege and because they will never know what it’s like to have that kind of fear.
For the record, as much as I’d like to tell you that I would be a bad ass sovereign citizen in the face of tyranny, I don’t want to have to do that in the middle of nowhere on the highway and in front on my kids and put them at risk unnecessarily.
If that happens to me when I’m by myself then all bets are off but I cannot and will not put my family at risk to prove a point.
And so, with a heavy heart, I canceled our trip out of caution and self-preservation.
This is something I’ll likely regret the rest of my life. I will never forget nor will I forgive that I had to make this decision but it’s purely out of self-preservation and love and I don’t feel like I need to explain that to anyone.
I am writing about it here because I believe that people need to know the toll this is taking on some of us.
Just like covid, I think the effects of this era will be permanent for some of us. I don’t think the media is doing an adequate job of reporting the terror reverberating through our communities right now nor do I think are fully realizing what it’s doing to us.
I don’t know what’s going to happen from here on out. No one does. Anything is possible…and that’s what scares me the most.
What I do know is that we need to take care of ourselves and watch out for each other because unfortunately, I think things are only going to get worse before it gets any better.
Stay safe, stay woke my friends.
S/C
Where do i start. Seriously. Where do I fucking start. My city, Santa Ana is becoming a ghost town. People disappearing, people afraid to leave their house. Our mayor sucks! But I am impressed with our young Chicano, Salvadorean, Honduran, all the most recent first gen out there marching, protesting. They're smart, well spoken and respect what their parents have done and sacrificed for them. People are organizing to give rides or pick up groceries or kids from school. People like myself drive around to report any ICE 🧊 sightings to warn everyone. People are donating to help the paleteros and eloteros stay home. Buying them out of their inventory. We need the mayors of all these cities to step up! They can fight back but are scared. We are seeing bounty hunters come in and do the rough stuff and then they transfer the person to the official ICE . But the media either doesn't want to report this or aren't catching on to this. Bounty hunters are getting from $1000 to $1500 a person. People are starting to make sure they have their passports on them now. It's a fucking nightmare.
This is just as much physical war as it is mental/spiritual. If anything, we are starting to see our communities come together and look out for one another and that's something they can't take away.
We can balance our rage with well-being. You made the right call.